Pause for thought … The Shire Boogie the camera shy ferret … The Shire
Beckaa goes brunette … The Shire
Best first date ever? … The Shire
Olympics come and go but The Shire is here to stay. So it seems is the TV series. So here’s another recap of another episode. Of the series. Not the suburb. Which are different things. With the same name.
The PlayersMitch, our narrator and from the promos, tragic hero tonightGabby, Mitch’s ex ex, now current, she probably has other roles in life … probablySimon, Mitch’s mate and speed dating bell ringer (literally)Andy, Mitch’s mate and speed dating bell ringer (metaphorically)Michelle, Mitch’s Mum, surely by now wishing her son had chosen a safe, sensible job like armaments testing.Beckaa, currently possessed of real boobs and a boob for a fatherKirs and Stace, Beckaa’s interchangeable BFFs, probably the next thing that Beckaa wants to enhanceTony, the responsible adult in Beckaa’s life – LOOK WHAT YOU DID!Joel ‘Rif-Raf’, raps on demand … this appears to be a rare eventSophie and Vernesa, a.k.a. Verphie, setting a new standard in “best thing about a show”Kerry, bar manager, friend setter upperTegan, friend of Kerry, professional slippery sliderMatt ‘Spock’, Kerry’s “not boyfriend”, subject of Folksy’s devotionFolksy, Spock’s special friend Nickee, lingerie model, able to read text messages in two years or lessMegan and Courtnii, Nickee’s friends and lingerie colleagesBoogie, Megan’s ferret … yes, finally, the episode has arrived
Previously on The Shire, Andy proved that speed dating could drag out for ever, Beckaa found a plastic surgeon who will agree that anything is a good idea for money, and Tony made the very same doctor look like he’d make a good parent. “Ok darling you can have DD breasts as long as you really, REALLY promise to study.”
Title sequence, bizarrely spelt names, montage, montage, montage… ooh look a surfer!
Today, Mitch is raking tiles (not a metaphor, though it should be … what would it mean?) with Dave, Andy’s Dad. Andy is working in management due to his broken ankle, so is focusing on checking his messages, including one from the speed dating agency who have proudly found three “lovely ladies” willing to sign the document allowing this show to assassinate their personality.
Mitch thinks Andy should pick Tegan because she’s a looker and, you know, already in the show.
Beckaa thinks she might need to “tweak” ummm “everything” to be a beauty queen. The hairdresser thinks Beckaa might need to have hair in order to look human, but what would she know? Beckaa may have some bald spots from straightening her hair, or from the electrodes that she mimes applying to her scalp. So Beckaa’s hair goes into rehab. Beckaa is convinced to stay there with it.
Montage, montage, montage… oooh a Frisbee!
Tile raking is over, it’s time for standing on a pile of dirt with no shirt on, the traditional pose for emotional revelations.
Cue Mitch’s revelation that he’s never met his Dad.
Andy, who is Mitch’s best mate, has never discussed this with him. However he recognises what Mitch has been missing in not having a Dad. Like … Beers with Dad. Andy thinks Mitch should remove a “what if?” from his life. In this instance it’s “what if your Dad doesn’t drink beer … you could like drink his too!”
Ad, ad, ad, montage, montage, montage… oh look a Nickee!
Wait, what? That’s no pointless shot. Nickee is a Diva. And by Diva she means lingerie waitress. And by lingerie waitress she means bunny / cop / bikini waitress, and before you decide to make a crude comment meet her man mountain Michael, who has been her big hunk of boyfriend for two years and her world revolves around him… due to the laws of gravity.
Nickee wanted to marry Michael until he broke her heart, by sending messages and flowers to another girl. Unfortunately she hasn’t forgiven him despite his grovelling … curiousity about how her night at work was, so now she’s not sure if she should marry him.
A one legged man walks into a bar … limp, limp, thud. It’s Andy with the leg, Kerry with the bar, and the bar with Tegan and two incredibly awkward extras. Andy is here to ask Tegan out. Kerry is here to make sure this scene ends sometime before Christmas. So it’s settled, Andy will take Tegan out on a date to play golf. Yes golf for the guy who can’t walk and the girl who is “unco.” Romance isn’t dead, it’s just been beaten into a coma by a limping man with a “golf bat.”
Back in hair rehab, Beckaa is stumped by the “Are You A Pageant Queen?” multiple choice quiz in her magazine as she can’t find the answer “Daddy bought it for me” anywhere, so she needs help. By sheer coincidence, Stace has dropped in to stare at the freak. As the camera takes advantage of Beckaa being distracted to highlight the portion of her fact the fake tan hasn’t been hitting because of her hair, Stace takes advantage of Beckaa’s rehab incarceration to get her advice. These must be those desperate times the cliché referred to.
Stace wants to come out to his parents, and no, Beckaa can’t get her Dad to buy him parents that know about his sexuality.
Beckaa suspects that Stace may not be as stealthy about being gay as he thinks, as she has never encountered a situation in which she knew something that any other person, pet or inanimate object didn’t also know. Beckaa helps Stace feel better by pointing out that she’ll always be there for him. So he really has nothing to lose… should he run away to another country.
Nickee is staring at her wall, which reminds her of the physique of her boyfriend and the intellect of …
Megan and Courtnii, Nickee’s besties drop around to bathe Boogie, not a rehearsal for a new work routine, rather a ritual in which they wash Megan’s pet ferret Boogie. Talking to us in an aside with her wall, Nickee admits she thinks Megan’s ferret looks like a stretched rat and then also suggests that Boogie suits Megan. Thankfully the video crew and Nicky’s real friend, the wall, promise not to pass that on to Megan. Or Boogie.
Is it wrong that Boogie doesn’t even rate in the top ten most bizarre characters on this show?
Ad, ad, ad, montage, montage, montage … train spotting! It appears they’re doing works on the Cronulla train station. Probably to prevent anyone leaving before they sign their appearance contract.
Mitch and Gabby have dropped around for a spot of breakfast with a side of bombshell with Mitch’s mum Michelle. Mitch asks if Michelle would be ok with him meeting his Dad. And. Pause. For. Drama. Yes, that’s ok, do you want his number? Well, what kind of soap opera is this?!
Wave, montage, ferret … Shakespeare eat your heart out. Crumbs I’m beginning to wonder where Verphie are.
The water is rolling off Boogie like moisture into a towel, and Nicky is unloading her problems with similar ease. Michael has been sending texts, sexts and naked photos of himself to another girl she reveals. Megan has experience with this, as Boogie used to run up other people’s trousers, and she suspects Michael might be the sort to do this again.
Beckaa can’t believe how long she has been in rehab, complaining that this has eaten massively into her drinking and clubbing time which is more than a little disturbing as the sun hasn’t gone down yet. In fact she’s been here so long that her hair is now half as long, dark brunette and … no I don’t care if Stace says “voom” or Beckaa says “volume” that is still not HAIR.
In a moment of clarity, Beckaa admits she doesn’t look like Barbie. Then she proves the at-home DIY electrotherapy is really working by hypothesising that because she’s a brunette she’ll have to be Barbie’s step sister who kills Barbie. Soon after Beckaa offers to go with Stace to tell his mum that Stace is gay. I’m really hoping Stace’s mum isn’t a blonde.
Maria the hairdresser knows there are cameras rolling so she doesn’t want to make any binding promises, however she also saw daddy’s credit card that Beckaa paid with so she assures Beckaa that if she comes in weekly she will definitely look … “better.” In the deleted scenes Maria also tried promises of “original”, “different”, “interesting” and “a little bit less like you.”
Montage, montage, montage … anyone for a kebab? Seriously, where are Verphie?
Mitch and Gabby are trying to have a serious conversation. Gabby suspects it might be hard for Mitch to process all that is involved in meeting his Dad for the first time. Mitch is uncomfortable with the change in genre for this show so tries half-heartedly to pick a fight with Gabby instead. It doesn’t take, so the ad intervenes to ensure we don’t have a moment of human connection.
Ad, ad, ad … girl on a golf cart.
Yes we’re on the driving range. Tegan meets Andy there as the modern woman’s book of dating etiquette isn’t clear on the transport arrangements for night golfing first dates. Somehow given a date which Andy borrowed from the Tiger Woods book of how to impress women, it is Tegan who is worried about not impressing Andy. Dude, this one’s a keeper.
Andy can hit a ball, Tegan can hit a tee and no one is making puns about balls or holes or driving things. Not on my watch. Then Tegan reveals she’s never been on a date before, ever, which is why this is only the third worst date she’s been on.
Montage, montage, montage … boat.
Nickee is having dinner with Michael and lets him know what happened before the ads, as even he wasn’t watching. Nickee asks Michael why he did it and he discusses how he was unsure at the beginning of the relationship whether he wanted to be with Nickee. Sorry, when were these text messages sent? Did this only come out when the show’s researchers dug this up? Nickee then reveals that she is 10 or 11 days late and may be pregnant and now Michael isn’t sure at the end of the relationship whether he wants to be with Nickee … or on television when he gets told this.
And we are out, with no Verphie sightings. It can be done.
Next week Verphie are back and hiring an employee so they can free up their time to appear in the show more.
*No ferrets or actual hair were harmed in the making of this recap
This story Administrator ready to work first appeared on Nanjing Night Net.